Relationships are complex. I spent the last three years in an on-again-off-again relationship with someone who is a narcissist, addict, and alcoholic. In that time, I researched relationships, addictions, recovery, communication, etc. All of it was an attempt to be a better partner and to understand my partner better. Eventually, I realized I was the only one trying to grow, change, and improve the relationship while my ex, The Narc, was just trying to get by with the bare minimum and not change anything. The overlying issue was that I was in a relational relationship with The Narc and he was in a transactional one.
What’s the difference between a relational relationship and a transactional relationship? A transactional relationship is mutual reciprocity. A typical example is an employer-employee relationship wherein the employee agrees to do a certain job in exchange for pay. Both parties agree upon the contract and know their expectations up front. This is not the type of relationship you would want in a healthy romantic situation.
Relational relationships are reciprocal, genuine, and are naturally rewarding. You want the other person to feel loved, valued, and important. You treat them well and do nice things for them not because you expect to get something in return, but because you genuinely care about them and want them to be happy. You give them your time, energy, and attention because they are more important to you than anything and anyone else.
Transactional relationships are self-serving and temporary. There is no possibility of a long-term enduring commitment because the person is thinking only of themselves and their own well-being and needs. Narcissists only have transactional relationships because all they care about is themselves. Narcissists exploit others to get what they want. If they no longer get what they want from the relationship, they discard the person. Eventually people end up feeling resentful and used. I do not want to be contacted only when you want something from me. Relationships have to be nurtured and grown over time.
If you want to simplify it, let’s look at it in terms of unconditional love (relational) versus conditional love (transactional). Loving someone unconditionally means there’s nothing they could say or do (outside of abuse and morally corrupt things), that would cause you to not love them and want them to be happy. Conditional love would be, you do this for me, or I will withdraw my love from you. The Narc used to say that to me all the time. You help me with my projects, or I don’t want to be with you anymore. He would even compare me to other past girlfriends, saying well, that person used to help me – how come you don’t? Hmm, well, maybe because I’m too busy helping you with all your other needs and projects; or, maybe it’s because I actually have a job and my own responsibilities that no one helps me with; or, maybe if she’s so great and she loved helping you, she should help you now. Oh wait, she’s not here and I am. Did she get sick of you too?
My ex, The Narc, will never have a significant lasting relationship because he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He has “friends” who he can mutually exchange services and things with, but all of it is superficial. Those people also seem to be transactional, as they seem to expect things from him as well. The difference is he doesn’t give back unless it benefits him. He helped his drug dealer do some work on his house and it was clear he didn’t want to do it. Why do it then? Well, his other two drug dealers are in prison, so I guess he wanted to keep his supply going. He went to NHRA with one of his ex’s last year (while he was still with me) because she offered him a ticket. When I asked where she got the tickets, he said she got them from some guy she was sleeping with. Another transactional relationship. The appropriate thing to do would be to say no, and then buy tickets so he and I could go together. In his mind though, why would he pay for a ticket when he could get this one for free? He doesn’t buy anything if he doesn’t have to. What he doesn’t acknowledge though is nothing is “free” in a transactional relationship.
He has some “friends” who he calls up for drugs or sex or when he needs help working on his house. In his low, sober moments, he admits he has no real friends. No one is showing up for him just because they want to help him and be nice. Well, no one but me, that is, or at least that was me until I got tired of being used. You can’t have one person be in a relational relationship and the other person be in a transactional relationship because eventually the Giver feels used, abandoned, resentful, and burned out, while the Taker just asks for more and doesn’t care that he’s sucking the life out of you and not giving anything in return. He definitely won’t admit that’s what he’s doing and he does not believe he needs to give more. He believes he’s entitled to take from others without earning it, without reciprocating, and with absolutely no remorse.
What eventually happens to these people? The supply dries up. They eventually find themselves alone with no one who actually cares about them. When they really need someone and have nothing to offer in return, there’s no one around. It’s too late by that point. That’s where The Narc is headed. He’s headed for tough times and the good people – the relational relationships he used to have, the people who were once there for him – will not be there for him this time. He didn’t nurture or value those relationships with the people who selflessly gave to him. Instead, he focused on transactional relationships and his own needs. He chose instant gratification over long-term meaningful commitment and love. When he loses his job, his home, his health, his money, and his freedom, he will feel the consequences of his choices. He will feel more alone in that moment than ever and he won’t be able to escape into drugs, alcohol, and sex to numb the pain. It doesn’t have to be this way, but for The Narc at least, it does.
Photo by Blake Wisz on Unsplash