“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” –Maya Angelou
Every year our local Safe House for Women holds a fashion show fundraiser. I used to attend every year as it’s a good cause and it’s a fun event. At each event, there is a personal testimonial to remind us of why we are there raising money. The last time I attended was several years ago. The testimonial was a young woman telling her mother’s story. The mother was abused by her husband physically, emotionally, and in every other way you can abuse someone. The mother stayed at first for the kids, then stayed because she couldn’t figure out how to get out. That’s what that kind of abuse does to you. It changes your brain chemistry. The abuser is skilled in convincing the abused that he/she can’t survive alone. The woman in this story stayed with her husband 50 years. Her kids grew up and finally convinced her to leave him, to come live with them. In her 70s, the woman finally gathered her courage and left and filed for divorce. Before the divorce could be finalized, the man died. At the end of the speech, the young lady’s mother came out to a standing ovation. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. As I listened to the testimonial, sitting next to my own abusive partner, I had only two thoughts. First, how many other couples in the room right now are with an abusive partner? Second, how does anyone endure 50 years of hell?
We read stories all the time about abused spouses staying with their partners. Outside observers often ask, why stay in that kind of relationship? There are many reasons including financial and family reasons. It is more difficult to leave if there are children involved. Abusive partners excel in isolating their partner from a support system and from any financial independence. There are other reasons too, such as trauma bonding. Abusers are skilled in convincing their partner that they are worthless and no one else would want them. They are horrible one day and then apologize and are sweet and loving the next. Often, you’ll hear women say, “but I love him” as the reason they return to the abusive partner. That’s not how you treat someone you love, but trauma bonding gets all of those feelings mixed up in your head. You think you deserve to be treated like that. You think that is love.
Like many women, I used to think, that will never happen to me. I’m independent, educated, smart, good with money, and have always taken care of myself. But, it did happen to me. I had been miserable for so long but was convinced it was my fault. I wasn’t working hard enough or wasn’t contributing enough. I wasn’t enough. My marriage was failing because of me.
That night at the fashion show was like a light switch being flipped. I suddenly realized I couldn’t endure 50 years of this kind of life. I wasn’t the problem. I had a good job. I paid all the bills. I had a support system, even though he tried his best to threaten and isolate me from them. I asked myself many times during those years, how did I end up here? I don’t have kids. I have my own money. Why don’t I just walk away? I tried. Many times. Each time, he would find me and threaten me, my family, my dog, my job. We went on vacation once and the neighbors called to see if I was okay. They “jokingly” thought since they hadn’t seen us, it was a murder-suicide. He was so careful as to not let the mask slip in public and let others see what happened behind closed doors. The longer you’re with someone though, the harder it is to keep that pretense up. The truth is, I cared about him. He confessed he had a drug problem and that it was killing him. I stayed because I thought I could save him. I was wrong.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn. It was one I had to repeat with my most recent relationship. While The Narc’s abuse wasn’t physical, his mental and emotional abuse was the same. I know what you’re thinking – how did you end up in two abusive relationships? It’s a good question and one I’ve asked myself many times. Just as I used to question why other women stayed in abusive relationships; the answer is, you don’t know until you know. It’s different when you’re on the inside. Think of it in terms of a non-abusive relationship where maybe it was someone you dated and all your friends couldn’t stand the person. Your friends clearly saw something you didn’t – until later. When you’re in the middle of the relationship, you see what you want to see. You project on them the qualities you want to see. The red flags don’t appear as red flags until you’re on the outside looking in.
The good news is I learned a lot from the first abusive relationship. I knew the red flags of physical abuse. What I didn’t know were the red flags of a narcissist. Now that I’ve exiled The Narc from my life, I clearly see those red flags in all their bloody glory. Interestingly, both of these men were drug addicts. Do the drugs play a part in their abusive behavior? I would assume yes; however, in both cases, these were also men with poor upbringings and serious parental issues. I met both of them at times in their lives when they were just getting out of a bad marriage and trying to change their lives around. I’ve learned this is a red flag too. When your new partner says their ex was crazy, you should probably dig a little deeper. Chances are they weren’t the crazy one.
I stayed with The Narc much longer than I should have. While he asked me to marry him several times, I never said yes. I knew in my heart there was something wrong. Even before I knew about the drug use, I knew he was lying because you can’t lie to an empath. When I found out about the cheating, it was a deal breaker. Yes, I forgave, tried again, and it ended again. Like a merry-go-round on fire, we went around and around for 3 years. The more time I spent apart from him, the more clearly, I could see the truth.
It wasn’t just the lying, cheating, and drug use. That should have been enough, but I still thought maybe I could help him. I stayed because I naively thought maybe if he gave up the drugs, the other things would get better. It was like putting a puzzle together without having the picture on the box to look at for reference. The more pieces I put into place, the more I saw the reality of the situation. Any good I once saw in him was merely a mask he wore and my projection on to him. I admit when I am wrong, and I was wrong. The Narc is not the man I hoped he was.
He doesn’t have any real friends or relationships because everything is transactional to him. He likes it to appear he’s generous and would help anyone with anything, but I guarantee you that he never does anything unless he thinks he’ll get something out of it. He uses people for his own personal gain and doesn’t care who he hurts in the process. He steals from his employers because he feels he is entitled to do so because of the way they treat him. He hates himself and is unhappy with his life but refuses to change anything (see definition of insanity). He hates criticism because all his self-worth is tied up in external validation. He is ignorant about most topics and has trouble talking about anything of significance. The decades of drug use have damaged the synapses in his brain and most times he has difficulty putting thoughts and words together. He has the emotional IQ of a 14-year old boy, so trying to build a relationship with him is an exercise in futility.
You see, the more my eyes were opened, the more I despised him. If I had known any of this at the beginning, I never would have talked to him let alone dated him. I finally saw what everyone else in my life saw – that he was a bad person who would continue to hurt me if it served his needs. So, I walked away for the last time. I never felt more relief than I did in that moment. I won’t repeat those same mistakes again. The next time I’m going to remember those sage words of advice: Believe them the first time when they show you who they are. It will save you so much time and heart break!
Photo by Jakob Rosen on Unsplash