June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. If you’ve never encountered a narcissist in your life, consider yourself lucky. If you have had one in your life, you’ve probably had more than one because they tend to be drawn to the same type of people. If you’re an empath, or a sensitive person, a people pleaser who is kind and generous, you’re a target for a narcissist.
You can Google narcissistic behavior and there’s a ton of information available. The basics of a narcissistic cycle include: (1) the idealization stage where they show their charming side and wear a mask to pretend to be the loving person you’ve been looking for all your life; (2) the devaluation stage where they try to control and manipulate you so you will do what they want without questioning their behavior; (3) the discard stage where they realize you see through their mask and won’t allow them to continue their disrespectful cheating and lying, so they move on to one of their other supplies and start the cycle over again with someone else; (4) the hoovering stage where they try to come back and tell you they love and miss you, which is all just a test to see if you’re still available as a back-up supply.
Narcissistic abuse is one of the most difficult types of abuse from which to recover. It’s emotional abuse so the scars run deep and are not visible on the outside. The amount of psychological damage it can do to a person is significant and can take years to recover and heal the trauma. It’s also likely that if the healing is not done, the abused person will end up attracting another narcissist in his/her life.
The official term for someone diagnosed with this disorder is NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is possible for someone to have narcissistic tendencies and not actually be tested and/or qualified as having NPD. Even if the person does not have NPD, it does not mean that they weren’t still abusive or manipulative. We all have trauma in our lives and it’s what we choose to do with that trauma that makes us who we are. Some people take that trauma, learn, heal, and try to help others by sharing their story and being empathetic. Others, take that trauma to hurt others. Hurt people, hurt people. Those people generally demonstrate narcissistic behavior as adults because they never healed their mother or father wounds. They think they’re “special” and “entitled” to certain things and certain behaviors because they are owed something by the world. They do not take accountability for their behaviors and it’s always someone else’s fault when something goes wrong and they experience a negative consequence for their choices. They are liars, cheaters, and thieves. They do not change and any attempts at change are short-lived and used only as a manipulation tactic to get what they want.
I have some experience with a narcissistic relationship. Recovery has been difficult because my ex, “The Narc”, returns every 10 days or so to hoover and get what he wants before disappearing again. I talked to my therapist about him when I first started my recovery journey. She pointed out that he may or may not be diagnosed as having NPD; however, his verifiable drug use would also show similar behaviors. The Narc is a drug addict and an alcoholic, so it does follow that the selfish, entitled behaviors could be for either reason.
If you never deal with your demons, you will never get better. The Narc escapes from his demons by taking drugs on a daily basis, drinking to excess, engaging in risky behavior, and behaving as if rules do not apply to him. When he does get caught, such as when he had to go to prison for killing someone while driving under the influence, he refuses to admit it was his fault. He claims that since he was under the legal alcohol limit, he shouldn’t have had to do jail time. My argument is that incident was his third DUI (the times he actually got caught) and it resulted in him killing someone, so it was absolutely his fault. Not only that, but I’m guessing he was also on some type of drug at the time, so his judgement was, without a doubt, impaired. Ten years later, he still drinks and drives and takes meth and other drugs on a daily basis. It doesn’t sound like he learned his lesson to me. He thinks he is beyond reproach. He’s been stopped for speeding three times in the past 5 months. All three times he was drinking, on drugs, and speeding. All three times he only received a warning. By not experiencing a consequence to his bad behavior, it reinforces the belief in his mind that he is untouchable and can do whatever he wants. When Karma visits people like this, it hits them hard because they never see it coming. What is perfectly obvious to the rest of us, is baffling to them. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. Mostly, I hope I get to have a front row seat to watch his downfall because rest assured, it is coming.
Whether you are currently in a relationship with a narcissist or an addict, or have left one, the abuse and resulting trauma runs deep. The good news is there are support groups and information regarding these types of relationships. Knowledge is power and being able to see your situation as an observer instead of as a participant is very healing. I highly recommend talking to a therapist as well, which can help you rebuild your self-esteem and realize that you were not the problem. You can realize, as I did, that there was no saving him or changing him. He hates himself and his life, but he won’t ever change his behavior or do anything different to make it better. He will continue his destructive cycle until he is stopped by a force beyond his control. There is hope for you though. You can find yourself again, love yourself again, and one day come to the understanding that closing one door, opens the door to something so much better.
Photo by Stormseeker on Unsplash