I’ve been reading some companion books from A Course in Miracles lately. I haven’t read A Course in Miracles because I’ve heard mixed reviews about how densely written it is. I thought maybe if I read the workbooks and summary books, I could decide if it was worth the time investment. Even the companion books take time to read because I have to process what I read and decide if I believe it or not.
One of the major concepts included throughout the book is the ego versus the higher self. The book talks about how we have two voices present within us – the Ego and the Holy Spirit. The Ego is the loudest and is usually the first voice we hear. The Holy Spirit, or the Higher Self as it is sometimes referred to, is the quiet voice, always present, and always loving. If you have a thought and it’s not loving, it’s the Ego; if it is loving, it is the Higher Self.
The Ego makes decisions based on fear and scarcity; the Higher Self makes decisions from the heart, from within, from our intuition. The Ego is that part of us that has trouble letting go of people and things which no longer serve us. It is the part of us that makes us think we are a victim of circumstance. The Ego is fear-driven and filled with anxiety. The Higher Self believes we create our own reality. We have enough and are enough. We are connected to something bigger and more divine than ourselves. The Higher Self is peaceful, calm, and loving.
What does it mean to live from the ego versus living from the higher self? An ego life is one where the person is stuck in mind attachments. He needs something outside of himself to change, to feel whole, validated, and good. He is stuck in fear (anxiety), control (anger), and focused on specific outcomes in the past and the future. The focus is placed outside himself and he feels defined by material objects, external stuff, and his identity. He is attached to his self-importance and the need to be right in every situation.
Living from the higher self releases mind attachment. She lives and thinks thoughts of I need this moment to feel whole, good, and validated. She is aligned to this moment and because of that she feels surrendered, aligned, and peaceful. She allows the divine plan to unfold and her focus is placed within her heart and source consciousness. Nothing external defines her. She is detached from self-importance and the need to be right (humility).
My ex, The Narc, lives from the ego. He doesn’t have dreams, goals, or plans. Everything he has accomplished or completed has been because someone gave him materials, or he woke up one day and thought I’m going to do this, or because someone was watching. I asked him once how he defined success and he replied it was when someone didn’t have any obligations. I then asked him why does he fill his life with so many obligations? He has more unfinished projects than anyone I know. He started building a garage with no plans and no budget. He doesn’t think about the ramifications or who it might affect. As a result, he’s had constant problems, has spent more money than he wanted, and it’s taking three times as long to complete as he thought. He’s angry all the time and has to re-do everything two and three times. What did you think would happen when you didn’t draw up any plans or talk to any experts? You couldn’t even get the concrete pad poured right, so what made you think you could build a 2-car garage by yourself? Did you get a city permit by the way? No. Did you ask your neighbors if they minded you drilling and sawing at 3:00 a.m.? No. While he would never admit it, he has so many projects because when he doesn’t, it forces him to face the demons in his head and instead of dealing with them like a healthy person, he drowns them out with drugs, alcohol, sex, and more projects.
Incidentally, I also told him that he should remain single if he didn’t want any obligations. He asked why and I responded, the moment you include another person in your life, you are obligated in some way to that person because she has her own wants and needs. You have to consider her needs and not just your own. This was a foreign concept to him, because he is, of course, a narcissist. This also explains why when he asked me to marry him, he figured that was the end of the conversation. He didn’t want to think about or talk about the logistics of marriage – where would we live, how would we split the bills, what did we want to save for in the future, etc. He had no intention of changing anything in his life, so in his mind, I would just move my 1,000 square foot household into his 900 square foot home and put the rest in the basement. Since he doesn’t budget and doesn’t plan, any talk of money or the future was pointless. If he wants something, he buys it. He doesn’t save for it or plan for it, or heaven forbid, talk to his significant other about it.
As far as always being right, The Narc believes he is right about everything. I tried pointing out that he is in fact wrong about 95% of the time. He argued I was wrong, of course. He doesn’t read or try to improve himself, so the opinions or knowledge he has is based on Facebook, conspiracy theories read on the internet, and other people who are as ignorant as he is. A simple discussion such as which type of milk is better for you, turns into an argument about how his friend told him Almond Milk was better so he’s right and I’m wrong to suggest anything else. He has no morals or ethics, so you definitely can’t get into a discussion about big topics like abortion, education, or politics. He can’t base any of his opinions or information on research or facts, but that doesn’t keep him from arguing that he is right and everyone else is wrong.
The Narc relies on others to tell him he’s doing a good job, to validate himself and his ego. He is insecure and depends heavily on what others think of him. It’s important to him that he appear like a good person so he does things like help his neighbors with yard work or other small projects. In reality, he does these things because he gets something from it. Whether it’s free tools, free food, future favors of being able to use a trailer or a mower, or even just that he’ll receive a thank you and they’ll tell others how great of a guy he is, he does it for the reward. He needs the external validation or he doesn’t know who he is. When he rides his sport bike, if he knows people are watching, he’ll do a wheelie or do something reckless. On the occasion when he would help out at my home – take out the trash, do the dishes – I had to make sure I noticed and thanked him for every single thing. If I didn’t, he would call me out on it and make a big deal about how I didn’t notice or thank him for fixing the squeaky door handle or whatever. This is definitely someone who lives from their ego.
Someone who lives from their higher self doesn’t keep score. There were many things I did for The Narc that I didn’t tell him about and he didn’t notice. I did them because I knew it would help him and make his life easier. I didn’t do it because I expected a thank you or anything in return. There are also many things he asked me to do and I did them because he asked. He usually thanked me in detail which is when I realized that’s what he expected of me. He wanted the gold star for everything he did and if I didn’t give it, he became angry and hurt. I didn’t expect or need the gold star so if he didn’t thank me or notice, it made no difference to me. When your identity is wrapped up in external validation, you are never going to experience peace. If you’re waiting on someone else to notice your accomplishments in order to feel good, you are going to spend your life in disappointment. You also will never learn to truly be alone and be happy.
I try to live from my higher self. I don’t get it right all the time as the voice of the Ego is loud and prominent. Everything I’ve accomplished in my life to this point has been the result of plans, dreams, goals, hard work, faith, and prayer. I earned good grades in school because I wanted to be a good student and go to college. I went to college and earned all my degrees because I wanted to learn more, earn more, and achieve more. I’ve traveled to many places and lived in many places, experienced adventures, and met a variety of people. I have zero debt and few obligations because I like peace and simplicity. I like to move to new places and try new things. I like freedom and I like change. I read books, take classes, and study and pray every day because I want to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday. I like who I am and do not need other people to tell me how to feel about myself. I know I am exactly where I need to be and who I need to be. I know where I’m headed and while I don’t know exactly how I will get there, I have faith that I will get where I need to go when the time is right.
Lately, I’ve been working on being more present in my life. When the Ego starts to spiral, my thoughts race, and the worry sets in on all the “what if’s”. I have been working on being aware of these thoughts and then taking the time to stop, breathe, and be in the moment. The higher self reminds me that this moment is all that matters. This moment is filled with peace and love. There is nothing to worry about in this moment. If I go back and think about those times when something horrible happened, it too was only a moment in time. It’s only kept alive and experienced over and over again because we continue to think about it. Breaking up with The Narc was challenging for many reasons, but in the end, it was only several small moments over a period of time. Letting go of him, his ego, and the accompanying toxicity and drama, resulted in overwhelming peace. If you have ego-driven thoughts or people in your life, let them go. Even if just for a little while, let it go and see how you feel. Take a break from all the judgments and what-if’s and what will people think thoughts. Let it all go. It is easier said than done. True. It takes practice. But, that inner peace, your higher self, is always there, quietly waiting for you to listen.
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