When I learned The Narc cheated on me the first time, I was overwhelmed with feelings of betrayal. After the initial shock wore off, I realized it was the lie that hurt more than the actual cheating. I had known something was wrong for months and he denied it every time I asked. I had a girl named _____ call me and when I asked him about it, he claimed she was just a bartender at the bar he frequented. Later, I learned he had cheated on me with her. He allegedly told her he was just having fun with her and she wanted something more serious. I guess she called me to find out what I had that she did not. I learned this during an actual cheating event because his hometown “friend” had come to visit. I didn’t know until that time period that this friend was a benefits-only arrangement. She had a boyfriend back home, he had a girlfriend, and both of them lied to their partners. It’s an arrangement they’ve had for years. This was the first time we broke up.
I don’t understand infidelity. Perhaps it was the religious small-town way I was raised, but I simply do not believe in sleeping around. If you’re with someone you supposedly love and/or care about, you’re with that one person. It would not even occur to me to entertain thoughts of another person if I was in a committed relationship with someone. I wouldn’t flirt, send messages, like another person’s photo, or even put myself in a tempting situation, and certainly wouldn’t sleep with another. The same goes for meeting someone new, you’re attracted to them, you flirt a little, and then find out they have a girlfriend, are married or engaged. It’s an immediate back away from the person. He belongs to someone else and I don’t cross that line. More importantly, why would you want to entertain someone who is cheating on their other person? Now, I’m not judging how others live their lives. If you want to sleep around, have multiple partners, one-night stands, etc., then that’s your life. That lifestyle is not for me though.
I’m an empath, a crystal Starseed, and a healer. We believe when you share your body with someone, you slip your aura a little and the auras of both people become entwined. Think about that for a second. People who have one-night stands are sharing their auras with complete strangers. It freaks me out just thinking about it. Perhaps a little discernment is in order if you’re sharing part of your soul with another being and they are sharing theirs with you. Do you really want that person’s dark soul attached to yours? Ironically, The Narc’s “friend” who visited claims she is a Lightworker, which is another type of Starseed. I guarantee you she is not a Lightworker. Lightworkers do not have multiple partners. You can’t heal others and be pure of soul if you’re sleeping around, attending orgies, and ignoring your own addictions and narcissistic tendencies. It makes sense though that these two would cycle each other and have a shadow contract between them. There is going to be some rough times ahead for both of these deceivers.
The Narc and I tried to work it out after that major dealbreaker. I tried to understand his point of view because he kept saying men and women were different and the sex with others was meaningless. I was the one he wanted to come home to and take home to his family, so what was the difference? The difference to me of course, was that sex is not meaningless. His “friend” with benefits is not an ex-girlfriend, or even someone he respects or likes, so what is that about? She’s just someone who he shares and receives inappropriate photos with and has sex with when she comes to town. I just didn’t understand and I really tried.
Then, I listened to this podcast about cheaters and it brought some clarity about the situation. Most people think cheaters are sex addicts. They think that if the person would stop the sex act, then everything would be better, but it’s actually about self-preservation and not an addiction. Cheaters lie so that they can compartmentalize the act and disassociate any feelings from it. They learn to lie. They learn to avoid consequences. They learn. They don’t have to feel. They don’t have to face the ramifications or consequences because their partner doesn’t know what’s happening. If it keeps happening, they completely separate from their emotions and they don’t experience remorse at all. This continues until they get caught and then they still try to hide all the other acts of infidelity and the secrets and lies continue. If they had to confess each infidelity at each juncture, they would feel the ramifications of the pain it causes their partner and the angst it caused them. Over time they would grow weary of this behavior and it would form their integrity and they would not continue the cheating behavior.
This makes complete sense to me because I tried this with The Narc at one point. I told him it wasn’t about the act, it was about the lie. If it happened, then he needed to tell me about it. There were rules that we both agreed to and one of them was he would tell me about it. He put himself in a situation that he knew (at least on some level) would end up in infidelity. Mistake #1. He said he was having a drink with someone. Just like an alcoholic probably shouldn’t hang out in a bar, neither should a cheater put himself in a situation where he’s “just having a drink” with someone he used to hook up with. He told me about the drink and then he didn’t answer my calls or texts all night, so I assumed he cheated. When he finally texted the next day, his response was that today was a new day and yesterday didn’t matter. Um, yes, it did. When we finally talked face to face about it, I confronted him about the agreement and the lie. He confessed that having to tell me about it made him face that it would hurt me. He said he didn’t even enjoy it or know why he did it. The situation was there, he took advantage, but the thought that he’d have to tell me about it took all the “fun” out of it. Interesting, right? Why do it then?
It sounds exhausting to me. Why all the secrets and lies? Is there something I don’t provide that others do? Because that I get. If that’s the case, then we go our separate ways and wish each other well. But, he said no. He couldn’t explain it. It was the sneaking around part and as long as I didn’t know about it, he figured no one was getting hurt. It didn’t mean anything or change anything. I tried to explain, someone was getting hurt and it meant something to me. He knew I would be hurt and he did it anyway. In fact, I would argue there are at least three and possibly four people getting hurt in this scenario whether he wants to see it or not. As the podcast points out though, cheaters get away with the behavior for so long that they separate their feelings from it. He didn’t like being forced to think about how he was hurting me.
When somebody works to avoid the consequences, the consequences don’t end up teaching them. We need consequences. We shouldn’t use power and control to avoid the consequences. The natural outcomes of our own behavior are what we need to stay on a path of integrity. When my friend showed me his dating profile on Facebook, I laughed because under his bio he stated that he was a man of integrity. He must have copied that from somewhere because I am certain he does not know the meaning of that word. If he does know the meaning, then he is straight up lying again because The Narc has no integrity whatsoever. He spends every day avoiding the consequences of his behavior. As long as he thinks he is getting away with it, the bad behavior continues. It not only continues, but it's getting worse. He drinks and drives more now than I’ve ever seen. He is more reckless, more erratic, and more of a jerk than he was when I first met him. He thinks he’s invincible so he just keeps pushing the limits. Normal, sane, sober people know that eventually everyone has to pay the piper. Karma is real. Consequences are real. It’s not a matter of if he’ll get caught, it’s a matter of when.
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